Self Medicate

Allow me to ask: How many of you self medicate?

Don't get the question?

They say that we humans are survivors. We have an instinct to fight for our lives. I heard somewhere that it is during those desperate hours when one's live is threatened that the ugliness of men is seen. Because we really do fight for our survival. We are selfish and will always be.

With this same principle, I was told that a person will self medicate to feel better. When you catch a cold, you'd take medicine, or sleep more. If you can't handle it, you'd look for a specialist - someone who knew. When you burn your finger you'd hold your finger or run it under running water. If you had more knowledge on the matter, you'd know to put Colgate on it or find the right kind of medicine. When someone hurts you, you'd stay away or learn to fight back. We close our hearts and never again dare. Some people turn to tobacco or drugs to escape the pain or confusion in their heart and mind. One way or another, we know to self medicate. To keep afloat. To continue to survive. To stop the pain. Deep down we all know to.

Whether it is cutting yourself, eating too much ice cream, going on long jogs or what have you. It could be punching the wall, crying till your eyes swell, taking pain killers, or even pushing people out of your heart. Some people move to a new place, go on a shopping spree, or simply shut down.

The only difference is whether you knew how. We self medicate the best way we know how. Sometimes we self medicate in a way that will end up hurting ourselves even more. It helps to know Colgate soothes a burnt finger more than running water. It helps to know that drugs does not take the pain away, and dwelling in it longer could kill you. Knowledge also helps you medicate your own heart and not fall into the pits of self pity and emptiness.

So indulge me: How many of you self medicate?

Because I certainly do.

Aspirers taking the Stage

There was something else I wanted to blog about. But I decided to discard that for this:

More pictures

What do you see?

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith

I see a new revival
Starring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees

What do you see?

Morning Plight

@nne was awaken at 6.15am, disappointed that it was already morning. She had not slept all that much during the night. Sigh. Her hand automatically hit the snooze button, like every other minute. Wait a minute, should I be hitting snooze today? She feels that she was supposed to wake up. Ah! who cares. It's done. And falls right back asleep, dreaming about another world at another time.

"Open your eyes and see... the wonder of a world", her phone rang the familiar song. Vengefully she answered it. "Hello," she mumbled. It was yet another morning call. It's too early to be awake! The sun had decided to sleep in today! For a moment she believes she hears a soft drizzle outside. Hooray! It's raining. But wait a minute... it's her wall clock ticking.

Oh well, a promise is a promise. @nne drags herself across her room to get ready. Shivering from the chill of the morning, she changed and led herself downstairs. Why isn't it raining? Out the door and onto the road. It's just too dark! Every household is asleep!

Her petrol was blinking empty. She silently hopes it will not break down, especially after last night's adventures where she did actually get lost. Don't step the gas pedal too much, she reminds herself. Just let it ease down the road. And around the dogs that like to sleep in the middle of the road. Didn't anyone teach these dogs to sleep at the SIDE of the road or MOVE when a car comes by? Her brain was on overdrive that morning, complaining about every single thing.

It didn't take long to arrive at the spot. Parking at an open spot, she looks around to find her companions. Looks like I'm early. She turns on the radio softly, offs the air conditioning and lies on her steering to take a short nap. But her mind laid wide awake and her body tensed, ready to climb a hill. Great, NOW you're awake?

Air of Independence

As a child growing up, I've always admired those who are able to hold themselves well, courageous enough to do what it takes to survive, those who have an air of independence about them. Movies that portray strong female characters have always appeal to me. I guess it also appeals to half the world since such women now exist in our world and have dominated the main scenes.

Here I am, at this age, giving the impression to people around me that I am altogether independent. The truth, however, could not be further away. As much as my life requires me to be independent and able, it still freaks me out and reminds me of the little child I am inside. There are still a whole list of things I find it a struggle to do on my own. Pathetic, I know.

Yesterday, however, I walked round town with my nose confidently in the air, breathing the carbon monoxide that cars in a traffic jam spits out, walking with long strides across the road (and almost hit in the face by a motorcycle). I was fueled with energy that came from knowing I was acting all independent, walking as far as my legs and heart would carry me that sunny day. I did many errands and even badgered a bank teller to have it my way. I also bought myself a blouse at a boutique in town. I was feeling accomplished as of 1.30pm yesterday. But I could not bring myself to sit down alone for lunch. I just could not.

And so I staggered to the counter to 'tapau' and slumped in front of my TV to have lunch in the privacy of my home. One day... I shall dare.

Storm Cloud

It was 8+ in the morning. We had just climbed the Kepayang hill for the umpteenth time where half way of every climb I hear a voice in my head telling me I'm insane to put myself through this. Never has a temple look so welcoming as the one on the top of Kepayang hill. (Rest assure, I've not converted) We sat on the strangely formed cemented rock at the side - as we often do.

A storm cloud was forming in a distance. It stretched from left to right and it's depth as far as the eye can see. We admired the formation and rolling of grey clouds that were drawing closer. Joy said it reminded her of Pirates of the Caribbean where the 'bad guys' were coming. But we were awestruck by it's grandeur and beauty.

( Picture taken from ETC's version of the story on her newly found blog. )

Someone ecstatically exclaimed that the clouds looked like a furry horse.

Someone else began to take a panoramic picture of the wide expanse of the cloud.

Someone quietly suggested we start our climb downwards, and was ignored.

Someone else said it was an awesome sight.

It didn't take long for us to realise every other human on the hill had scurried to journey downwards. We too took leave. 5 minutes into our downward journey, the rain started. And soon we were shivering cold, soaking wet, carefully threading the slippery path.

Someone said I told you so.

Nobody dared to debate our stupidity.

We did blame it on the Hendry weather however.

I reached home shivering to my bone at 8.40am.

Burung

This is Burung.

I have no idea how to tell a bird's gender. So we shall refer to Burung as "it".

It is my maid's pet bird. It's from the nest on the bonsai at my front door. Burung is always somewhere in our compound as it tries to take flight but fail at some point.

It is fully grown yet incapable of flying away. It's wings are weak and it cannot defend or feed itself.

But today... burung did not return.

Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

This is Burung. The Father of creation watches over it. It worries not.

What more you and me. We are in the Father's hands. He watches over us.

Light Bulb

Recovering from my recent depression, I sat up straight with a new flash of revelation. How is it that I never knew it before? It was painful to hear when close friends tell it like it is. It is like looking at a mirror and not liking what I saw. But at some part I guess I had always known at the subconscious level. But it never traveled to my conscious level. As painful as it was to read the words typed out on an MSN and Gtalk chat window, it was like a light bulb going off in my thought bubble. I feel like I need to spend several more days incubating this thought till I come to a sudden breakthrough in my thought and spirit. Wiping the last evidence of tears, I resolved to meditate.

I was so focused on where I was getting than appreciating the journey I was taking. The very thing I treasure I was ready to walk away from. ETC reminded me of the journey that I said I was taking. Talking about it reminded me of my personal convictions - the very summary of this blog to begin with. It's about the journey - MY journey. My journey DOES in fact matter to me! I remember narrating that to someone.

Inspired by the recent Mt Kinabalu trip some of my friends took, I set my heart upon living life again. Reading Jimbo's blog (have not actually met him but have heard so much about him) and listening to ETC's narration of the trip, I was not so much challenged to climb the mountain as I was to write. Ah, i DID benefit from YOUR climb, ETC. How is it that one can get so engrossed and exasperated about the climb that one not realise the changing scenery around one? But life's like that, isn't it? And shame on me for allowing it to happen. d, you are right. It's time I stop and work on me before I loose myself or become something I regret. The scenery will always exist, but the climber is the one who looses if he does not change. The journey is about the journey-er.

I expressed recently, how much of a drag blogging has become - forgetting why I even pull myself through this religiously. But now I remember. I remember all those times I poured my soul into a story and how proud I was of the result. I keep a file (yes, a 2-ring file file) of all my past short stories. It was a secret pride. One I had lost. Somewhere along the road. I remember too all the things I said I wanted to do in life and become. And life is catching up with me. I'm 26 (yes I don't hide my age in real life nor in this blogosphere) and all thoughts of life comes crashing in. Some calls it the quarter life crisis - although technically quarter life would be about 20, assuming 70 is the lifespan of man. Whatever you may call it, I must stick to my resolves..... what ARE they?

Oh yes, the journey matters.

@nne looks at the perfectly binded yellow covered Counseling notes and sigh. It's 10.30pm and there's a check list in her brain that is left unchecked. Better get to it then.

Oblivious to petrol hike

After classes at BCM the other day, ETC and I decided to head to LowYat to settle some business. It was only 3+pm and a great way to live the day. Looking at computer stuff. Well once in a while this is supposed to be most thrilling. Repeat it a few more times, and you might get it.

Since we are not KL bred, we decided to ask our classmate to draw us a comprehensive map. You should have seen our comprehensive map. I did not know one long straight road could be continued on 3 separate maps. I propose we include map-drawing in F2 Geography syllabus. (no offense to our map drawer who shall remain anonymous for this purpose)

We headed down the Federal Highway. For the first time I discovered this road had an end and does not actually stretch on forever into the unknown. Following closely to the directions given, we maneuvered through the madness of KL traffic and abiding by the two rules of Malaysian traffic: the Godzilla rule and the bumper rule. The Godzilla rule states that the bigger vehicle has the right of way. The bumper rule states that the vehicle whose bumper is ahead has the right of way.

It wasn't long before I discovered the atrocious road designs in KL and had turned into the wrong lane:

me: This road right
ETC: no, no.. after the temple.
me: but the map shows middle one right
ETC: That is a road? This one lah.
me: I'm turning i'm turning! Where are we now?
ETC: I don't know. We're suppose to see a school
me: Look there are students walking
ETC: No this is the wrong school
me: Ok maybe further down
ETC: I think we're on the wrong road
me: Maybe there's a way to connect further down
ETC: we're LOST. We should U-turn!
me: There's no U-turn anywhere...
ETC: There must be a U-turn somewhere
me: (after 5minutes) There! There!
ETC: ok turn turn turn!
me: Turning turning!
ETC: ok lets go back to the round-a-bout and take the right turn this time
me: Yes yes surely.
ETC: (after another 5 minutes) I see the round-a-bout. THank GOd we're back here. OK just follow the road
me: Oh NO! It's not a round-a-bout
ETC: WHY did they close off the road??
me: We're going back into the Federal Highway .... HOW!
ETC: U-turn. U turn
me: It's a highway! There's NO u-turns!
ETC: Ok just go straight. And turn out at the first junction
me: (another 5 minutes lapse) Ok we're at Midvalley. There's a turning in there that we can use
ETC: NO don't go in.
me: BUT buT BUTTT
ETC: (points straight ahead) Keep going. You don't wanna get caught in the Midvalley jam
me: but we're heading BACK into PJ!!
ETC: Nevermind...
me: At this point we'll might as well go back to BCM and start again seeing that BCM is only a few junctions down ETC: LOL!

That was somewhat our conversation in between ETC's telephone calls from various people. Our extra trip to KL and back to BCM lost us an entire 45minutes. The second time, we got it right though. Much to the amusement of our dinner party that night and classmates the next day.

Sigh

Staring at the blinking white of the LCD screen and letting out a deep long sigh...

Why is it so hard to get this over with? When did blogging become so menial and tedious?

Looking at my clocks (pic).. they don't even tell time. No wonder I'm always late. Why do I bother keeping these clock hung on the wall? They keep dying on me. There goes RM20 worth of clocks. Maybe it's a sign.... of what? I've got time staring back at me everywhere... but none I can keep well to. Branded for life for being late.


Sigh

Is there too much in my head... Or too little? I'd think it's the former.

When emotions and thoughts become overwhelming, every other thing in life becomes unimportant... a prop in the main plot, the background scene to the story. If all the world's a stage and man and women merely players.

Sigh


At this point, my new pillow (which I finally bought to solve my neck ache) looks even so inviting. Wonderful stuff. Infected the rest of my family to buy as well.






But alas it's time to dine.

Chan Wa Band in Concert 2008

Violins, flutes, trombones, bass, brass, drums, cello....

I probably have not seen or touch half of the many intricate instruments in an orchestra. But having had heard so much from my dear cousin, I know a little of how it works. And here I find myself sitting in a concert I do not understand, after an extremely long and disappointing there trying to kick my heels and enjoy the show.

Sitting through an orchestra is harder than it seems. After the initial 30seconds of a familiar tune, you begin to wonder how long is the song. Straining to recognize people onstage and trying to appreciate the sweet melody at the same time while the toddler in the front row dances with her glow band.

However, I thoroughly enjoyed and was astounded by the Percussion:

Favourite View in Citypark

Every now and then, I gather enough will to go jog (ahem* walk) in Citypark. I find it refreshing to jus sweat it out a little, breath the fresh air a little, and be near water. Call me weird, but water draws me somewhat.

I was thinking bout the sights in this place that captures my breath the most in the place and it was hard to place. Was it the tall trees that bent over and wave as I walk pass, was it the peaceful water that calms the nerves, was it the fountain that springs out over the lake, was it the joggers or the little children on bikes or the couples that cuddle in their private corner, or perhaps the fish that danced in their schools.... and then I turned and beheld...

(Pictures taken with a phone camera)

It silenced my heart - the sweet serenity, the calm assurance, the old faithful - a gentle reminder.

Marriage Enrichment Seminar

Recently, my church had a "Marriage Enrichment Seminar" - a 4-week humorous videocast seminar conducted by Mark Gungor entitled "Laugh your way to a better Marriage". First of all, no wise cracks about why I'm attending a marriage seminar. Better prepared, is all I gotta say.

The seminar itself was entertaining and different (I suppose) from any other seminar that forces facts down your throat about how husband and wife should be. And honestly, from a non-married person's perspective, it's a preparation to face a marriage life that is not what the movie often shows. We live to believe that all will be roses and rainbows when we get married, with that magical aura around us at all times. But truth be told, it's not all that. Watching this seminar helps gets the right perspective about how a guy and a girl work. In that way we understand each other better and can work together more effectively. After all, a marriage is a partnership.

A snippet of the seminar:

Ann in Hospital

Lately Ann had dengue and spent 2 nights in the General Hospital (now renamed as Hospital Tuanku Jaafar). She was released today when her blood count started to rise. Due to insufficient beds and overcrowded wards, they were only too eager to send her home, much to her delight. She had a drip attached to her veins for far too long. See the blood beginning to flow the other way? (pic)



Anyway, thank God she's all well now. And that it was all just a phase thingy.

SMART Tunnel

This is the first time I'm driving through the SMART tunnel. (I think) And to think I know two people who had a hand in completing this tunnel. Kudos guys! I guess people always want to associate with greatness...



We were heading to KLGH to visit Mishalini who was in there for a brain operation to remove her brain tumour. It's a frightening thought and dangerous operation. But since this is a backblog, by now she is doing FINE. God has been good and she is recuperating well. PTL!

Death of the Trees

Every workday, I have the pleasure of driving through the sight of high shaded trees that whispers when the wind blows and the sun glimmering between the leaves. Every season, flowers fall dotting the roadside with pink and white petals. And the trees seem to wave at me when I come and when I go.



But lately, termites have invaded and destroyed the barks of the once powerful trees. And we had to have them cut down. All of it. The sound of saw against splintering wood was anything but welcoming. I watched as they brutally removed them. The trees could but protest silently. Soon all that was left was a barren land, with the heat radiating back powerfully upon its conquered space. And the trees whisper no more. And the air stilled with grieve.

Petrol Hike

In recent news (in Malaysia), petrol was announced to hike 78cents per liter. Making it a whopping 2.70 a liter. And it's supposed to double in August, so they say. Even though subsidy is planned for the lower income group, it's still hard as everything else also sky rockets. Transportation. Electricity. Commerce. Food. Rice..... Living.

Overnight, the pump stations were crowded with vehicles hoping to gain as much as possible before the midnight curse. The overwhelming sensation caused a major city jam as people hurried from their work places and homes. Mix.fm recorded a lady caller who had been stuck in the LDP highway jam for 3 hours. *ouch*
I too was caught in the buzz. During my first pump (before the mad rush), I was told the credit card machine was down. So after prayer meet, aka my second pump, the crowd was long enough scare me away. It wasn't worth the wait. I had, after all, already pump some. Sigh...

Aspirers 25th Anniversary

Aspirers celebrated it's 25th Anniversary with a loud mark!

The youths put their hands together and really pulled the event together. Our theme was "Lion's Pride" but I forgot Aaron's longwinded explanation on the theme. (we need a "Ask Aaron" section) The kids wanted to pulled on an elaborate jungle, tribal theme. (No, I don't know why) But let's give a hand to the wonderful work they have done amidst their busy schedule. *Clap clap clap*

Here is a short clip (part of) the introductory tribal dance which they did marvelously!



And here is a short compilation of pictures of the event in whole (which I put together for Agapeline). For more pictures, click here.


But what struck me most, was how much we have evolved over the years - as a youth group. And what remained, the same. I have a lot of thoughts about the matter but perhaps I won't blog about it. Aspirers remains dear to my heart in so many levels - memories of the past, revival of the present, and future expansion and possibilities. After so many years, the question is what did we make of ourselves, what did we become, how did we impact lives, and all that. In some ways, we must agree that today's youth are so much more vibrant, skilled, talented, passionate. And that's a good thing. It means we did do something after all. However, at the same time, many things did not change nor did improve much. And that's devastating.

But that can change.

I believe in making a difference. I believe I was called to do something about this youth - to build it up. I believe that youth can in turn make a difference. I believe that one day youths can run events instead. I believe they will be better leaders of tomorrow - in church and in the world. I believe that this generation can bring revival to the rest of our church. I believe that God is not going to leave us alone. I believe that Aspirers will grow!

And I will continue to believe. For years to come. Until I see it before my eyes. Who's with me?

Fondue Party

BKYC and RKYC combined for yesterday's "free cell" and had a FONDUE party!

Every sibling group brought something. We had ice-creams, marshmallow, fruits, cheese, cakes, sandwich, nuts, sprite and of course the chocolate fondue in abundant. Too abundant. Note to self: these two cells don't eat that much. Very un-youth-like.




The chocolate fondue (small portion taken out at a time)










The ice cream and nuts in view







Some chocolate fondue creations:

People taking a permanent break from the chocolate late at nite. And the view of the Chong's Christmas tree in June in the background. *hehe*










Besides being fattening, it was making people sugar high. Did you know that chocolate is prove to make people happy? I mean seriously. It's scientifically proven. Read here.

Generally, this is how it works. When our 'seretonin' levels are high in our brains, we feel more elated and ecstatic. 'Anandamide' chemical that is sent through our brain cells and breaks down between the cells causes the fleeting positive feelings. Chocolate contains an ingredient that keeps our 'seretonin' levels high and slows the process of 'anandamide' breaking down, causing us to stay positive and happy longer. That's why people can get high on chocolate. And there's a reason you're asked to eat chocolate when you're depressed.

Kidz Safari

Recently our Children Church has a funfair we call "Kidz Safari". It was much anticipated and a lot of kids turned up. Except for a short shower towards the end of the event, the rest of the day went by well. There were a lot of games and events that was erected. A more detailed listing can be gotten on Rachel's blog. Good place for ideas too.

A lot of the youth helped out and made it even more eventful. But with the anniversary coming, we tried to pack even more things on that day. It wasn't just the weather and the workload or the screaming kids, we also had anniversary practices one after another. Between practices and kidz safari, it was a recipe for exhaustion. Fortunately young people, as they say, have lots of energy. They know how to have their own fun...

Know what I mean?

Optimism

"Optimists think the glass is half full.
Pessimists think it's half empty.
Realists know that if they stay around long enough,
they're going to have to wash the glass."

The above quote was something I read in the "Our Journey" devotional by RBC. It also appeared in one of George Ong's humour book. Insights can be like mirrors to our own life. Some people laugh at it and move on, some people hear the words that are being said and it changes their lives.



I don't want to be a pessimist. I prefer to realistically be hopeful always. With a God like mine on my side, what do I have to loose. What is impossible? Yet sometimes ... being optimistic seems more like a fool's hope for what can never be. What then? There are things I will always pursue and believe in, and that's because of the God that I know will champion His own causes and will not let the righteous fall. Yet there are things... that just needs letting go.

How do we know which to hang on to and which to let go? Which to pursue and which to forget? What if wisdom is not enough? What is heart is not enough?

I like this other phrase from the same devotional...

"Our God is a God who's good enough to inspire us with His ideals,
merciful enough to accept us as we are,
and too loving to leave us there.."