Thursday, July 31, 2008

July Events

I decided against blogging each event separately. I takes the blood out of me to sit and think about what happened during each event and what it meant to me or anyone else around me. Ah but to remember... that was the point, wasn't it? CLICK on the TITLE for pictures.

Aspirers "Crossroad"
July 5th, 2008
A sketch based discussion about Choices we make in life.

SPI "Colours of Life" concert
July 5th, 2008
Self explanatory

BCM "Christian Approach to Counseling" Week
July 7-11th, 2008
An intensive course I took at BCM

Agape Community Project at Rembau
SRJ Ladang Batu Hampar
July 19th, 2008

A cell based community project where we contributed to building a classroom, donating dictionaries, sponsoring their Anak Angkat Program, and celebrating lunch with them.
Appeared on Sinar Harian newspaper July 20th!

Aspirers' "Station Sesat"
(pictures next week)
July 26th, 2008

A youth-cell-based station game that challenges the youth to make choices and the nature of choices in life. The games were different from the ordinary, bright, and induced with an object lesson each. From learning Godly vs wordly values, how looks can be deceiving, what a balance diet is, and even creating a model out of junk.
Note to self: Aspirers needs a website to post resources on.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Self Medicate

Allow me to ask: How many of you self medicate?

Don't get the question?

They say that we humans are survivors. We have an instinct to fight for our lives. I heard somewhere that it is during those desperate hours when one's live is threatened that the ugliness of men is seen. Because we really do fight for our survival. We are selfish and will always be.

With this same principle, I was told that a person will self medicate to feel better. When you catch a cold, you'd take medicine, or sleep more. If you can't handle it, you'd look for a specialist - someone who knew. When you burn your finger you'd hold your finger or run it under running water. If you had more knowledge on the matter, you'd know to put Colgate on it or find the right kind of medicine. When someone hurts you, you'd stay away or learn to fight back. We close our hearts and never again dare. Some people turn to tobacco or drugs to escape the pain or confusion in their heart and mind. One way or another, we know to self medicate. To keep afloat. To continue to survive. To stop the pain. Deep down we all know to.

Whether it is cutting yourself, eating too much ice cream, going on long jogs or what have you. It could be punching the wall, crying till your eyes swell, taking pain killers, or even pushing people out of your heart. Some people move to a new place, go on a shopping spree, or simply shut down.

The only difference is whether you knew how.
We self medicate the best way we know how. Sometimes we self medicate in a way that will end up hurting ourselves even more. It helps to know Colgate soothes a burnt finger more than running water. It helps to know that drugs does not take the pain away, and dwelling in it longer could kill you. Knowledge also helps you medicate your own heart and not fall into the pits of self pity and emptiness.

So indulge me: How many of you self medicate?

Because I certainly do.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Aspirers taking the Stage

There was something else I wanted to blog about. But I decided to discard that for this:

What do you see?

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith

I see a new revival
Starring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees

What do you see?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Morning Plight

@nne was awaken at 6.15am, disappointed that it was already morning. She had not slept all that much during the night. Sigh. Her hand automatically hit the snooze button, like every other minute. Wait a minute, should I be hitting snooze today? She feels that she was supposed to wake up. Ah! who cares. It's done. And falls right back asleep, dreaming about another world at another time.

"Open your eyes and see... the wonder of a world", her phone rang the familiar song. Vengefully she answered it. "Hello," she mumbled. It was yet another morning call. It's too early to be awake! The sun had decided to sleep in today! For a moment she believes she hears a soft drizzle outside. Hooray! It's raining. But wait a minute... it's her wall clock ticking.

Oh well, a promise is a promise. @nne drags herself across her room to get ready. Shivering from the chill of the morning, she changed and led herself downstairs. Why isn't it raining? Out the door and onto the road. It's just too dark! Every household is asleep!

Her petrol was blinking empty. She silently hopes it will not break down, especially after last night's adventures where she did actually get lost. Don't step the gas pedal too much, she reminds herself. Just let it ease down the road. And around the dogs that like to sleep in the middle of the road. Didn't anyone teach these dogs to sleep at the SIDE of the road or MOVE when a car comes by? Her brain was on overdrive that morning, complaining about every single thing.

It didn't take long to arrive at the spot. Parking at an open spot, she looks around to find her companions. Looks like I'm early. She turns on the radio softly, offs the air conditioning and lies on her steering to take a short nap. But her mind laid wide awake and her body tensed, ready to climb a hill. Great, NOW you're awake?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Air of Independence

As a child growing up, I've always admired those who are able to hold themselves well, courageous enough to do what it takes to survive, those who have an air of independence about them. Movies that portray strong female characters have always appeal to me. I guess it also appeals to half the world since such women now exist in our world and have dominated the main scenes.

Here I am, at this age, giving the impression to people around me that I am altogether independent. The truth, however, could not be further away. As much as my life requires me to be independent and able, it still freaks me out and reminds me of the little child I am inside. There are still a whole list of things I find it a struggle to do on my own. Pathetic, I know.

Yesterday, however, I walked round town with my nose confidently in the air, breathing the carbon monoxide that cars in a traffic jam spits out, walking with long strides across the road (and almost hit in the face by a motorcycle). I was fueled with energy that came from knowing I was acting all independent, walking as far as my legs and heart would carry me that sunny day. I did many errands and even badgered a bank teller to have it my way. I also bought myself a blouse at a boutique in town. I was feeling accomplished as of 1.30pm yesterday. But I could not bring myself to sit down alone for lunch. I just could not.

And so I staggered to the counter to 'tapau' and slumped in front of my TV to have lunch in the privacy of my home. One day... I shall dare.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Storm Cloud

It was 8+ in the morning. We had just climbed the Kepayang hill for the umpteenth time where half way of every climb I hear a voice in my head telling me I'm insane to put myself through this. Never has a temple look so welcoming as the one on the top of Kepayang hill. (Rest assure, I've not converted) We sat on the strangely formed cemented rock at the side - as we often do.

A storm cloud was forming in a distance. It stretched from left to right and it's depth as far as the eye can see. We admired the formation and rolling of grey clouds that were drawing closer. Joy said it reminded her of Pirates of the Caribbean where the 'bad guys' were coming. But we were awestruck by it's grandeur and beauty.

( Picture taken from ETC's version of the story on her newly found blog. )

Someone ecstatically exclaimed that the clouds looked like a furry horse.

Someone else began to take a panoramic picture of the wide expanse of the cloud.

Someone quietly suggested we start our climb downwards, and was ignored.

Someone else said it was an awesome sight.

It didn't take long for us to realise every other human on the hill had scurried to journey downwards. We too took leave. 5 minutes into our downward journey, the rain started. And soon we were shivering cold, soaking wet, carefully threading the slippery path.

Someone said I told you so.

Nobody dared to debate our stupidity.

We did blame it on the Hendry weather however.

I reached home shivering to my bone at 8.40am.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


This is Burung.

I have no idea how to tell a bird's gender. So we shall refer to Burung as "it".

It is my maid's pet bird. It's from the nest on the bonsai at my front door.
Burung is always somewhere in our compound as it tries to take flight but fail at some point.

It is fully grown yet incapable of flying away. It's wings are weak and it cannot defend or feed itself.

But today... burung did not return.

Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

This is Burung. The Father of creation watches over it. It worries not.

What more you and me. We are in the Father's hands. He watches over us.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Light Bulb

Recovering from my recent depression, I sat up straight with a new flash of revelation. How is it that I never knew it before? It was painful to hear when close friends tell it like it is. It is like looking at a mirror and not liking what I saw. But at some part I guess I had always known at the subconscious level. But it never traveled to my conscious level. As painful as it was to read the words typed out on an MSN and Gtalk chat window, it was like a light bulb going off in my thought bubble. I feel like I need to spend several more days incubating this thought till I come to a sudden breakthrough in my thought and spirit. Wiping the last evidence of tears, I resolved to meditate.

I was so focused on where I was getting than appreciating the journey I was taking. The very thing I treasure I was ready to walk away from. ETC reminded me of the journey that I said I was taking. Talking about it reminded me of my personal convictions - the very summary of this blog to begin with. It's about the journey - MY journey. My journey DOES in fact matter to me! I remember narrating that to someone.

Inspired by the recent Mt Kinabalu trip some of my friends took, I set my heart upon living life again. Reading Jimbo's blog (have not actually met him but have heard so much about him) and listening to ETC's narration of the trip, I was not so much challenged to climb the mountain as I was to write. Ah, i DID benefit from YOUR climb, ETC. How is it that one can get so engrossed and exasperated about the climb that one not realise the changing scenery around one? But life's like that, isn't it? And shame on me for allowing it to happen. d, you are right. It's time I stop and work on me before I loose myself or become something I regret. The scenery will always exist, but the climber is the one who looses if he does not change. The journey is about the journey-er.

I expressed recently, how much of a drag blogging has become - forgetting why I even pull myself through this religiously. But now I remember. I remember all those times I poured my soul into a story and how proud I was of the result. I keep a file (yes, a 2-ring file file) of all my past short stories. It was a secret pride. One I had lost. Somewhere along the road. I remember too all the things I said I wanted to do in life and become. And life is catching up with me. I'm 26 (yes I don't hide my age in real life nor in this blogosphere) and all thoughts of life comes crashing in. Some calls it the quarter life crisis - although technically quarter life would be about 20, assuming 70 is the lifespan of man. Whatever you may call it, I must stick to my resolves..... what ARE they?

Oh yes, the journey matters.

@nne looks at the perfectly binded yellow covered Counseling notes and sigh. It's 10.30pm and there's a check list in her brain that is left unchecked. Better get to it then.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Oblivious to petrol hike

After classes at BCM the other day, ETC and I decided to head to LowYat to settle some business. It was only 3+pm and a great way to live the day. Looking at computer stuff. Well once in a while this is supposed to be most thrilling. Repeat it a few more times, and you might get it.

Since we are not KL bred, we decided to ask our classmate to draw us a comprehensive map. You should have seen our comprehensive map. I did not know one long straight road could be continued on 3 separate maps. I propose we include map-drawing in F2 Geography syllabus. (no offense to our map drawer who shall remain anonymous for this purpose)

We headed down the Federal Highway. For the first time I discovered this road had an end and does not actually stretch on forever into the unknown. Following closely to the directions given, we maneuvered through the madness of KL traffic and abiding by the two rules of Malaysian traffic: the Godzilla rule and the bumper rule. The Godzilla rule states that the bigger vehicle has the right of way. The bumper rule states that the vehicle whose bumper is ahead has the right of way.

It wasn't long before I discovered the atrocious road designs in KL and had turned into the wrong lane:

me: This road right
ETC: no, no.. after the temple.

me: but the map shows middle one right

ETC: That is a road? This one lah.

me: I'm turning i'm turning! Where are we now?

ETC: I don't know. We're suppose to see a school

me: Look there are students walking

ETC: No this is the wrong school

me: Ok maybe further down

ETC: I think we're on the wrong road

me: Maybe there's a way to connect further down

ETC: we're LOST. We should U-turn!

me: There's no U-turn anywhere...

ETC: There must be a U-turn somewhere

me: (after 5minutes) There! There!

ETC: ok turn turn turn!

me: Turning turning!

ETC: ok lets go back to the round-a-bout and take the right turn this time

me: Yes yes surely.

ETC: (after another 5 minutes) I see the round-a-bout. THank GOd we're back here. OK just follow the road

me: Oh NO! It's not a round-a-bout

ETC: WHY did they close off the road??

me: We're going back into the Federal Highway .... HOW!

ETC: U-turn. U turn

me: It's a highway! There's NO u-turns!

ETC: Ok just go straight. And turn out at the first junction

me: (another 5 minutes lapse) Ok we're at Midvalley. There's a turning in there that we can use

ETC: NO don't go in.


ETC: (points straight ahead) Keep going. You don't wanna get caught in the Midvalley jam

me: but we're heading BACK into PJ!!

ETC: Nevermind...

me: At this point we'll might as well go back to BCM and start again seeing that BCM is only a few junctions down

That was somewhat our conversation in between ETC's telephone calls from various people. Our extra trip to KL and back to BCM lost us an entire 45minutes. The second time, we got it right though. Much to the amusement of our dinner party that night and classmates the next day.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


Staring at the blinking white of the LCD screen and letting out a deep long sigh...

Why is it so hard to get this over with? When did blogging become so menial and tedious?

Looking at my clocks (pic).. they don't even tell time. No wonder I'm always late. Why do I bother keeping these clock hung on the wall? They keep dying on me. There goes RM20 worth of clocks. Maybe it's a sign.... of what? I've got time staring back at me everywhere... but none I can keep well to. Branded for life for being late.


Is there too much in my head... Or too little? I'd think it's the former.

When emotions and thoughts become overwhelming, every other thing in life becomes unimportant... a prop in the main plot, the background scene to the story. If all the world's a stage and man and women merely players.


At this point, my new pillow (which I finally bought to solve my neck ache) looks even so inviting. Wonderful stuff. Infected the rest of my family to buy as well.

But alas it's time to dine.