However, the thought of going full time had never even occurred to me before last year. It was never part of my five-year or even ten-year plan. And I normally prefer sticking to plans, by the way. But the thought popped into my head while I was sitting at the DUMC conference 2005, literally out of the blue. It really bothered me a couple of weeks back then as I struggled with the idea, but I finally decided that even so, it wasn’t time. With that firm decision, I left it aside and never thought of it again until a few months back.
I was on track with my five-year plan when the thought interrupted me again. And for some bizarre reason, Pastor Sally had the same thought. So it began to cause me to confront the issue at hand. Being a natural thinker and worry-wart, I argued with myself and God a lot. I thought about finances, celibacy, fears of failure and not being able to meet expectation. I told God I was not worthy, I’m not an early riser and had a hundred reasons and excuses lined up. It is possible that I might just have covered all the angles. I also wanted a more vivid sign like a prophetic word, a dream, or something like that. I wanted my fleece wet and the floor dry in the morning. But God gave me none and I was on the verge of insanity.
I shared in my cell group (Bukit Kaya Youth Cell) that I have finally understood why. You see, God knows each of us so well that He knows what we need and how we need it. Jesus never healed any two blind men the same way. He knew exactly how to suite us. It was an issue of faith. It’s hard for me to go where I cannot see, do what I don’t understand. And though God has graciously unfolded small bits of His plans in my life to me, I still needed to learn to take a leap of faith some times.
I’m not saying that I am now a person full of faith. But I’m more willing to put my total trust in Him, believing that He has my whole life in His hands. And no matter what I decide or do, as long as I am following Him, He will steer me. This time, I’m taking the scariest advice I have ever received. I’m taking the plunge.
In the past one month alone I had gotten all the possible responses to my decision. Ranging from “Finally!” to “Are you crazy?” Perhaps I am crazy. According to my cousin, Andrew, that would mean that I am a charismatic, radical and zealous youth. I sure hope so.
The above article was suppose to be printed in this month's issue of Agapeline (my church's triannual newsletter). But due to space limitation I have voluntarily pulled it out and shelved it for the next issue. I officially started in 2nd May 2006.