Friday, December 31, 2010

a few things i must archive

I've not been blogging much in the last two months. And I feel guilty for not archiving some important events in my life. Go figure. So to ease my conscience and to ensure that certain things are not forgotten.... I shall briefly mention them.

p/s: this was of course not blogged at the time and date displayed. I was at that time elsewhere.

  • GLS 2010 which was held in Metrotab on the 22-23rd Nov was a little too tiring for me this time
  • VBA followed soon after on the 29-30th Nov but I wasn't involved
  • Instead I was rushing my asgn and almost thought I couldn't make it. I surprised myself when I did.
  • December brought a lot of events starting with the first ever Birds and Bees Workshop on the 4th of Dec which proved useful and needful.
  • After a lot of shopping buzz with the post SPM-ers,
  • There was aspirers christmas party where fourletterstory wowed the crowd on the 19th of Dec
  • After that it was full out packing and moving with the family
  • Christmas rolled along with another bout of shopping and presents
  • Attending 3 weddings in the month (2 of which were family) allowed time for pampering and dressing up!
  • Forgiving myself for neglecting a lot of stuff, it was back to the craze of packing
  • Running away on the 29-30th dec for a short but absolutely refreshing leaders retreat with the youth did a lot of good for me and for the team.
  • and as the year ended, so did a big chapter of my life....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Acne dilemma

Recently I entered my second teenage phase - skin wise - and it irks me. "I'm too old for this" wells up and "why Lord?". Is this called aging or jus consequences of modern medicine? Ugh! And I thought it was over... I was so glad it was over. For once in my life!

So I'm starting the cycle all over again - pills, dry skin, etc. What else can I do? Besides the fact that it is very very expensive, what worries me the most is that my future baby might be affected! I don't want to have to face that. Having kids is important to me and I don't want to jeopardize that. Perhaps I should go for second opinion.

When will this ever end? bleh

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

tired of walking alone

After prayer meeting today, I slipped away from the crowd without saying anything to anyone. I walked to my car and sat in it alone. The silence drowned in and the world slowed down. Yea like the movies. I sat for an awkward silence before willing myself to simply move, and get away as fast as possible. But I continued to smile, because it was necessary and because it was expected.

I'm tired of walking alone on the road and tired of the crowd. Tired of sitting in deafening silence. Tired of being left behind or taken for granted. Tired of being nice and tired of being mean. Tired of feeling and tired of numbness. Tired of the endless unbreakable cycle. Tired of pretending and hiding and protecting. Tired of being strong and tired of being too weak. Tired of feeling tired too.

Perhaps that's why I leave the TV on and constantly find something to do, finding a way to drown out that thought. Perhaps it's easier to keep moving, faithfully doing what I need to do. And not ponder. Not wonder. But I'm tired of that too.

It used to be a tension between the fear of going at it alone and the desire for independence. I use to try to find that freedom of independence, yet hide behind the fear of the unknown tomorrow and world out there. It was a tension that could never be solved - perhaps should not be solved. But now, i'm just tired of trying.

What can I say? What do you deduce? It's no secret.

... Then an old familiar song came to mind 'tho none go with me, still I will follow'.... and the tiredness starts to blur. Perhaps I'm simply afraid of walking alone?

Monday, December 06, 2010

Silence not always golden

My blog has been silent for a very long time. Actually one month isn't all that long but in my record of blogging... rather long I suppose.

The truth is I've been busy. You can't imagine how things pile up sometimes and you don't find time for yourself that much. Every change I get I simply plop myself in front of the one-eye monster and zone into another world. Escapism it's called. There's been so much activities and simply things that needed to be done, so I faithfully hurried along doing everything that needed to be done. That's the way it is, isn't it?

But more than that. My spirit has sunken to a new low, where feelings and passion are being desensitized. I'm not sure I care that much anymore. I'm not sure I want to that much anymore. And it's ironic consider where my life is heading - it seems that I should gear myself up for it and prepare myself (and my heart) to deal with the challenges ahead. Cos I Do know where God is bringing my life to. (I mean where He's leading it to) but i simply can't find in my heart and spirit to. I wanna repel everything at the moment and sulk. Mayb it's fear that is gripping and paralyzing. Mayb it's disappointment in unfulfilled hopes and dreams and prayers. Maybe time and again the failures scream in my face. Maybe I'm just drowning or suffocating where I am? Maybe it's jus the entire transition process that is most difficult. Maybe it's just me.

But God oh God, I can't seem to reach You. God my Lord, I can't seem to want to. When the journey starts to loose it's light, how can then I continue to lead? How can I guide? Like the blind leading the blind, we'd fumble our way till I find you. Why oh God. What's wrong with me? How do I continue to put one foot in front of the other?