Silence not always golden

My blog has been silent for a very long time. Actually one month isn't all that long but in my record of blogging... rather long I suppose.

The truth is I've been busy. You can't imagine how things pile up sometimes and you don't find time for yourself that much. Every change I get I simply plop myself in front of the one-eye monster and zone into another world. Escapism it's called. There's been so much activities and simply things that needed to be done, so I faithfully hurried along doing everything that needed to be done. That's the way it is, isn't it?

But more than that. My spirit has sunken to a new low, where feelings and passion are being desensitized. I'm not sure I care that much anymore. I'm not sure I want to that much anymore. And it's ironic consider where my life is heading - it seems that I should gear myself up for it and prepare myself (and my heart) to deal with the challenges ahead. Cos I Do know where God is bringing my life to. (I mean where He's leading it to) but i simply can't find in my heart and spirit to. I wanna repel everything at the moment and sulk. Mayb it's fear that is gripping and paralyzing. Mayb it's disappointment in unfulfilled hopes and dreams and prayers. Maybe time and again the failures scream in my face. Maybe I'm just drowning or suffocating where I am? Maybe it's jus the entire transition process that is most difficult. Maybe it's just me.

But God oh God, I can't seem to reach You. God my Lord, I can't seem to want to. When the journey starts to loose it's light, how can then I continue to lead? How can I guide? Like the blind leading the blind, we'd fumble our way till I find you. Why oh God. What's wrong with me? How do I continue to put one foot in front of the other?