Reflections of a New Year

Looking back at 2009, one begins to think of all that has happened - the good, the bad and the ugly. One also recollects the good times which made one whole and the bad ones which puts iron to one's soul. One realizes that there can be no good times without the bad, nor can there be joy without sorrow. It is in those dark moments in which one will learn the most and grow the most. So one must always sit to remember those lessons to keep them close and to walk another step further in life, knowing it was a lesson well learned.

So what has happened this year?
It was a year I was most afraid of. From the time the clock hit twelve at midnite signaling the turn of a new year and happy voices shouting 'Happy New Year', I felt fear hit my soul. God sent a friend to hold me that very moment to let me know there's a place I can always hang on and that it will be alright. But the fear that grip my soul only grew in the months to come. Perhaps it was thinking about it that made it worst. I walked through a valley of dry bone. I remembered the dark lonely tunnel I had once seen. My spirit felt far away, refusing to look the right way. I found it hard to accept or to allow God to comfort me. Some pains are so dear you don't want God to tell you it'll be okay. I've not fully recovered from it. I'm quite stubborn with a hint of self pity. And I found it hard to lead when I myself was in that position. I saw with much pain at the youths going through sucky times and wish I was a better leader - better friend, better sister, better role model. And it seems I just can't seem to be good enough all the time. On top of that, with all the weddings and pregnancy around me, I felt even more sorry for myself. I realise now that I have no reason to apologize for being single.

What then have I learned?

• I learn to read my Bible everyday - the consequences of not reading is RM10 each time, a pact with a friend. And I have skipped 4-5 times in half a year. A hefty price.
• I learn to give more - it is more blessed to give than to receive. God is my provider and I am His channel of blessing. I no longer knew what I was saving for so I learned to trust God with my future and bless those around me here and now.
• I learn that God is Sovereign in my everyday and holds everything securely in His palm - nothing surprises Him and nothing is out of His control or provision. My future is safe with Him and even though it may not be exactly what I plan or hope for, His ways are always better. and His purposes and good for those who love Him. I feel safe.
  
• I learn that my life and my will is not my own - I gave it away a long time ago. It is His to do as He pleases. No more complaining. My 'rights' may not be won, my 'wants' may not be heard, people will always irritated and fail in my expectations, tomorrow may not be smooth sailing. My life is His. And I will try a little harder and love a little more, push a little further and stay a little longer - because this is not my own. I'm working for a greater Kingdom, bigger purposes.
• I learn to be a little more independent and a little more friendly - I need to after all. There are ways to survive despite my insecurities and lack of boldness and horrible sense of direction. And there will always be people who need a friendly smile or handshake - they need it more than I need my comfort. I learn to be gracious to people as everyone has their stories and everyone has their problems. As much as we make excuses for ourselves for our weaknesses and slack, others are too. So show a little grace as the Lord has shown us much.
  
• I learn to appreciate the bad times, the God-feels-far-away times, the dry periods, the painful ones - they put iron into my soul and mold me for something greater than myself. It is not that I am cursed or that God has forgotten me but that He love me enough to allow these things to grow me. I know He is never too far away. And I tell others the same as well.
  

So what do I resolute for 2010?
I look forward to a better year. I for see a change and a challenge - it's exciting and scary at the same time. The season is changing and the flowers are starting to bloom. I need to be a better person most of all - to be able to do it all (for some insane reason). So..

• I want to pray more. Pray more for people as there are a lot of problems in the world and a lot of people that needs God to intervene into their life and situation. So I need to read the Bible and pray better and seriously. I want to hear God more and follow Him more closely.
  
• I want to exercise more. I'm getting older and the body is not what it used to be anymore.
  
• I want to read more. There's just too many books in the world to read that if I were to read a book day, I would not finish it all. I like reading. (not textbooks) Why should it be taken from me just because i'm busy. Remember the principle of fill and drain. Plan those holidays too. (wayne cordeiro)
  
• I want to shop more and enjoy life a little more. What's the point of hoarding? What's the point of waiting? There's much to see and learn in the world around me.
  
• I want to bridge with parents of youths, the pre-teens and my own peers more. I cannot always only be so focus to care only for one age group. I need to expand my social skills and social life too.
  
• I want to visit my grandma more. She is getting very old and probably rather lonely.
  
• I want to be a more effective leader to my youth leaders. They need my support and encouragement to rise up. I cannot treat them the way I've been treated. Pampering them does not equal supporting them. And I cannot be afraid to correct them for their good.
  
• I want to move on to the next phase of life. But this only God can help me. I will learn to trust His timing and leading. Even if He chooses to continue to keep silent.
  

I had imagined all my life that I would probably marry at the late age of 28. And the closer you get to a marker like that the more you tend to panic. But I refuse to be desperate or panic. So I need to overcome this year with grace and love for every new day.

Bring it on, 2010! I'm ready for you!

I read my resolutions last year and realise it's still in my bones. I am getting there and will continue to persevere in the same direction. I still want the same things and have seen some improvement in my life. And I am happy =)

video

Just posted a video in the APYAC09 entry of a video i caught during the event. It's the African worship. Check it out! It's pretty cool.

My first 3D movie

I was all excited to watch Avatar 3D - my first 3D movie outside of an entertainment park. Yea well I've even seen 4D in Disneyland. But this was different. It's an actual movie in perspective. And it was dad's birthday.

But 90+% through the movie, it hanged! 3 times! What a cliffhanger, what a spoiler! Fortunately for me I've already seen it a few days before that on normal screen. But imagined that! How can that happen? I was amazed that everyone was so civilized. No one complained more than necessary and no one made a scene or cursed. But we were all refunded for the problem, which was expected. So my family got to watch the 3D movie (almost all of it) for free. What a delight after all!

The latest family game

A family that plays Cluedo together, have loads of fun together! There, my new slogan for the family.

The host is missing and we gotta find out who did it and where and how!

It was Lynne that had convinced me to buy it. And I had to find out what I spent money on. So we played it. And I loved it. It's like that game where you had to guess what's the secret code and at every guess you make, you will find out how many wrongs or rights you got but not which one. It's frustrating yet fun at the same time. I grew up reading detective stories like Sherlock Holmes. But yea we love it. This is what we did through Christmas and the adjacent weekend.

Come to my house one day and I'll show you why.

What will U give Jesus this Christmas

Pastor Sally's sermon on the 20th was a pre-Christmas message that prepared us to think about the coming Christmas and all that it is meant to be. And I wonder how many of us made good of our promises. The sermon was entitled 'What will You Give Jesus this Christmas'.

So... what WILL we give the birthday King? Christmas is actually Jesus' birthday (not his exact birthday but like our King, we have a day to commemorate it). And don't the birthday boy get the present? Yet we get so occupied giving presents and getting present that we forget to set a worthy one aside for the One whose birthday we are celebrating. Do we want to be just like the rest of the world in that, or should we as Christian shine the right kind of meaning and light.

Let us celebrate Jesus this Christmas. Let us give God something this Christmas. What will U give Jesus this Christmas? What does Jesus want from us? He wants our hearts, our thoughts, our will, our days, our hurts... He wants us wholly and completely. What will we turn over to Jesus this Christmas?

I hold my gift - as ugly as it seems to me - to give it to You. Saying my will is not my own but anything You want it to be. It seems so hard to let go but I have decided that I will trust You with it.

Aspirers Christmas Party

It's that annual christmas bash for Aspirers. We started with an informal gathering for Christmas at Pastor's place in 2006. Wow that is quite a while back. It's amazing how the smallest step of faith can turn into something so big. Then, we probably had around 50people cramped into pastor's house. This year almost 130 people turned up.

Read more on AspirersBlog here.

Personally I felt so tired. I was excited with so many people! It was an awesome event in that sense. But it was the last stretch of events for me and I couldn't wait to massage my sore feet and rest my tired eyes. At the same time I can't wait for next year's. I just got a good feeling about it =)

Aspirers Leaders Retreat 2009

18-19 December 2009. Corus Paradise PD

We piled up all of this year's and next year's leaders into vans and headed to PD for our leaders retreat. It was that one time in the year that we get away for short retreat, to pray together, worship, cast vision, play, eat, pose for pictures, do some leadership training. To me it's a refreshing time to look forward to (if I can get my sessions ready).


Upon arrival, we had to live what Jesus taught about being great - by being a servant of all. We scrubbed toilets, dust sofa cushion, mop the floor, etc. I found myself scrubbing yellow grime off a toilet bowl (trying hard to stop myself from imagining what it was). Great lessons we were learning from the Lord.

But for me at least, it was a great time where we emo-ed, prayed genuinely and earnestly, lay it all before God, brought up issues that are real and personal, shared, encouraged each other in the Lord, prophesied.... There weren't much pics of those sessions as usual. We can never catch those for some reason. But that too is a good sign, rite?


Aspirers, get ready for an AWESOME year next year!

Here's looking at you 2010 for Aspirers.

whose leaf will not wither

They are like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither, whatever they do prospers - Psalms 1:3

You will never let me fall apart
You hold my world in the palm of your hands
You uphold me with your righteous right hand
Your banner over me is love
You will never forsake me

Edukiosk

This marks the first of its very kind. It was an old dream - one I've rehearsed in my mind for years just waiting for the right time or opportunity. I expected people to just catch that same zeal and excitement. But of course that was my disillusionment. Though people tell me it's a good idea and a good job I couldn't help feeling disappointed.

The Edukiosk was a one stop information centre - where high school graduates could get information about higher education. There were many options and alternatives about what to study, financing options, where to study that most students never had an opportunity to know. Many of us wish we knew what we knew now so that we'd have made better choices. The problem is never that we couldn't but we never knew. This town has so many people who never had the chance to know and I think they deserve to know. Maybe dreams are God given - His way of helping people by empowering us to do something about it. My previous jobs have always been in the education industry.

And this is something new. I don't have pictures...

Note to self: Remember that dream takes time. Even if you've gone up the mountain and seen the other side, it doesn't mean that others can see or that it would immediately be so. It always takes time. Everything takes time.

APYAC09

I know I was rather exhausted and did not want to go to yet another conference, much less herding sheeps left and right along the way. I already imagined the whole shuttling business and I felt stressed. I feel like sighing. (but I'm suppose to stop sighing)

Asia Pacific Youth Alive Conference (10-12 Dec) @ GTPJ
"Speak to the Nations"

But standing amidst so many people and worshiping one God is a most exhilarating experience. The songs that were sang were so simple and heartfelt. I felt so refreshed simply declaring all over again my commitment and love for my God. Despite myself, I was refreshed and renewed in His awesome presence. Times like these are so rare and few in between. It's not right. We should experience Him on a more regular basis, to know that He walks with us and talks with us. A reality most of us miss. I miss in my busy-ness.

But what is it about big conferences / rallies like this that I like after so many years? What is it about this particular one that intrigued me? Well, it is absolutely amazing to hear the voices of so many young people just worshiping ONE God, with hands lifted high and tears rolling down their faces. We may be from different churches, different races, different background but we stand together, under one roof, united under one God. Boundaries just fall down and you understand what God had intended when He built the church - this community living that most of us no longer want. And here where 29 nations gathered together, it becomes more real. I loved to hear what God is doing in all these countries. God has not given up on us! His spirit is being poured out on nations on this side of the world. To see young people from different nations rise up and saying we want Jesus in our country brings a sense of hope and Sovereignty of Christ rule! There are those suffering for the sake of the gospel, but standing before us saying they will press on till every knee bow at the name! Come on, youths in Malaysia! Don't give up yet.

Two themes ran throughout the conference: 1) stay in the country of your birth. don't run away. we have a destiny here. 2) God wants to speak to us and He is, but are we listening? (at least to me that was it).

The group that went for APYAC
Thanks to the older ones who really helped look out for the rest.
Thank you for also being so obedient and responsible most of the time.

1Malaysia Wedding

You know our Malaysian theme '1Malaysia'? Well, its not such a strange or new thing. It's something we've come to understand growing up in this country. In our lifestyle, our food we are 1. Or is it a facade?

Last week my cousin had a multicultural wedding of which I was very much intrigued. Weddings are a time to break barriers and put aside differences to celebrate with the happy couple. It is a time when people are reunited and love can be found. And in a multicultural setting, it is fitting for us to put aside prejudices and differences and find that we can truly live together.

This picture does not do the statement justice though.
It does not bring about the full impact of the 1Malaysia as it was truly.

So many things so little time

I had so many things I wanted to say, but I can't remember. Is it age or is it not that important anymore. Is it time or is it an excuse? What am I trying to accomplish with the little time that was bestowed on me? Do I really believe that I can do it all? Or do I want more than what has been given to me?

Do you voice out when something is wrong, or do you mutter under your breathe about what's wrong. Do we write for ourselves or make a difference? Do we share our stories or our lives?

Why am I asking these questions? Why so many questions?

This is weird.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to a dearest friend,

You've existed so long in my life I don't know what it means to not know you

And only God knows the strive we've been through to keep it true

And only He holds the seasons that will see us through

Besides you hold too many of my secrets