Reflections of a New Year

Looking back at 2009, one begins to think of all that has happened - the good, the bad and the ugly. One also recollects the good times which made one whole and the bad ones which puts iron to one's soul. One realizes that there can be no good times without the bad, nor can there be joy without sorrow. It is in those dark moments in which one will learn the most and grow the most. So one must always sit to remember those lessons to keep them close and to walk another step further in life, knowing it was a lesson well learned.

So what has happened this year?
It was a year I was most afraid of. From the time the clock hit twelve at midnite signaling the turn of a new year and happy voices shouting 'Happy New Year', I felt fear hit my soul. God sent a friend to hold me that very moment to let me know there's a place I can always hang on and that it will be alright. But the fear that grip my soul only grew in the months to come. Perhaps it was thinking about it that made it worst. I walked through a valley of dry bone. I remembered the dark lonely tunnel I had once seen. My spirit felt far away, refusing to look the right way. I found it hard to accept or to allow God to comfort me. Some pains are so dear you don't want God to tell you it'll be okay. I've not fully recovered from it. I'm quite stubborn with a hint of self pity. And I found it hard to lead when I myself was in that position. I saw with much pain at the youths going through sucky times and wish I was a better leader - better friend, better sister, better role model. And it seems I just can't seem to be good enough all the time. On top of that, with all the weddings and pregnancy around me, I felt even more sorry for myself. I realise now that I have no reason to apologize for being single.

What then have I learned?

• I learn to read my Bible everyday - the consequences of not reading is RM10 each time, a pact with a friend. And I have skipped 4-5 times in half a year. A hefty price.
• I learn to give more - it is more blessed to give than to receive. God is my provider and I am His channel of blessing. I no longer knew what I was saving for so I learned to trust God with my future and bless those around me here and now.
• I learn that God is Sovereign in my everyday and holds everything securely in His palm - nothing surprises Him and nothing is out of His control or provision. My future is safe with Him and even though it may not be exactly what I plan or hope for, His ways are always better. and His purposes and good for those who love Him. I feel safe.
  
• I learn that my life and my will is not my own - I gave it away a long time ago. It is His to do as He pleases. No more complaining. My 'rights' may not be won, my 'wants' may not be heard, people will always irritated and fail in my expectations, tomorrow may not be smooth sailing. My life is His. And I will try a little harder and love a little more, push a little further and stay a little longer - because this is not my own. I'm working for a greater Kingdom, bigger purposes.
• I learn to be a little more independent and a little more friendly - I need to after all. There are ways to survive despite my insecurities and lack of boldness and horrible sense of direction. And there will always be people who need a friendly smile or handshake - they need it more than I need my comfort. I learn to be gracious to people as everyone has their stories and everyone has their problems. As much as we make excuses for ourselves for our weaknesses and slack, others are too. So show a little grace as the Lord has shown us much.
  
• I learn to appreciate the bad times, the God-feels-far-away times, the dry periods, the painful ones - they put iron into my soul and mold me for something greater than myself. It is not that I am cursed or that God has forgotten me but that He love me enough to allow these things to grow me. I know He is never too far away. And I tell others the same as well.
  

So what do I resolute for 2010?
I look forward to a better year. I for see a change and a challenge - it's exciting and scary at the same time. The season is changing and the flowers are starting to bloom. I need to be a better person most of all - to be able to do it all (for some insane reason). So..

• I want to pray more. Pray more for people as there are a lot of problems in the world and a lot of people that needs God to intervene into their life and situation. So I need to read the Bible and pray better and seriously. I want to hear God more and follow Him more closely.
  
• I want to exercise more. I'm getting older and the body is not what it used to be anymore.
  
• I want to read more. There's just too many books in the world to read that if I were to read a book day, I would not finish it all. I like reading. (not textbooks) Why should it be taken from me just because i'm busy. Remember the principle of fill and drain. Plan those holidays too. (wayne cordeiro)
  
• I want to shop more and enjoy life a little more. What's the point of hoarding? What's the point of waiting? There's much to see and learn in the world around me.
  
• I want to bridge with parents of youths, the pre-teens and my own peers more. I cannot always only be so focus to care only for one age group. I need to expand my social skills and social life too.
  
• I want to visit my grandma more. She is getting very old and probably rather lonely.
  
• I want to be a more effective leader to my youth leaders. They need my support and encouragement to rise up. I cannot treat them the way I've been treated. Pampering them does not equal supporting them. And I cannot be afraid to correct them for their good.
  
• I want to move on to the next phase of life. But this only God can help me. I will learn to trust His timing and leading. Even if He chooses to continue to keep silent.
  

I had imagined all my life that I would probably marry at the late age of 28. And the closer you get to a marker like that the more you tend to panic. But I refuse to be desperate or panic. So I need to overcome this year with grace and love for every new day.

Bring it on, 2010! I'm ready for you!

I read my resolutions last year and realise it's still in my bones. I am getting there and will continue to persevere in the same direction. I still want the same things and have seen some improvement in my life. And I am happy =)