loved this

There are some sights in your life that simply catches your breath and fills your vision.
This was one of it. :)

@Sepang GoldCoast during Minister's Retreat on 15th March 2011 while helping other BCMers
with Children's ministry for the day.

More pictures of Sepang GoldCoast here.

the inevitable

When the ground under your feet has been removed, you either sink to the bottom of the ocean or you pray you have enough faith to walk on water.

Change is inevitable and must come for one to be shaken out of their comfort zone
and for one to grow.

The test of your true strength and faith comes not when all is well, but when all has fallen apart;
you then find the grace to stand again. And you find that you can.
And you find that God has His hand extended to you.

Oh God into your hands I commit the inevitable and trust in the Unchanging!

Mission trip

This is a lagging response on the part of my heart about the last week's trip. It seems to me that my heart always need time to catch up to what happens in my physical realm. I decided against back-dating for reasons that will be included below.


Last week I joined the BCM group for a mission trip in a not-so remote settlement. There we shared in fellowship but most of all minister to the church that meets in that settlement. It had been a long time since my last missions trip and I was excited to go for this one. Missions usually excite me - i'm not sure if its because of the travelling and the other culture prospect or was it really that I was excited to reach a people group for God? An unsolved issue within my heart.


And although I testified 3 times about the trip within the community of the youth in my church, I still felt something that was unrealised to me swimming at the back of my heart. Today I heard a caucasion speaker preaching in Mandarin. I was awed by their lives' commitment in order to reach a people group. What is our life that we should treasure it so much, and continue to add onto it, or fight for it? What do we have that is not already His? All we possess is this life we're living.


I realised that even though I was rather stressed about preaching in another language, I was more excited at the opportunity that has been given me to give in this manner, to be used by God to reach His people. God uses anyone who is willing to speak to His own. And it's been an honour that I had a chance to do that. I guess in ministry, we tend to forget that it is always not about us but about God wanting to reach His people. I had forgotten that for a while. Held very tightly to what I did know. But it took me quite a while, after the buzz has died down for everyone else, for me to finally grasp something in my heart. Lag.

Dilemma

My skin doctor thinks I need to sleep more and lessen my stress to help my skin medication take proper effect. I told him that's highly impossible, and if there's anything he can do about it? He gave me antibiotics and more medication. Looks like this is going to be a long journey to recovery.

As we get older...

As we get older, we realize how precious family and friends are. We try to make it back for the holidays, meet up with people just to catch a glimpse of our youth and how it used to be.

As we get older, we find that we are aging very fast and we have lesser and lesser time for the things we really should do - self improvement and rest, building relationships and reach out. We try make time for ourselves and become detached from others, or be the superheros we are not by squeezing in time for everything and lose part of our sanity.

As we get older, we find it harder to hang out too long or too late - our backs hurt, we get tired and grumpy. So we try to make the little time we have count and hang out on the right side of the clock.

As we get older, I hope too, that we become less easily offended or sensitive, more mature and compromising. We try, we try.

Happy Chinese New Year to all!

God's chosen authority

God has a university. It's a small school. Few enroll, even fewer graduate.
Very, very few indeed.

God has this school because He does not have broken men. Instead He has several other types of men.
He has men who claim to be God's authority... and aren't; men who claim to be broken... and aren't.
And men who are God's authority, but who are mad and unbroken. And He has regretfully, a spectroscopic mixture of everything in between. All of these men He has in abundance; but broken men, hardly at all.

In God's sacred school of submission and brokenness, why are there so few students?
Because all who are in this school must suffer much pain. And as you might guess, it is often the unbroken ruler (whom god sovereignly picks) who metes out the pain.
David was once a student in this school, and Saul was God's chosen way to crush David.

As the king grew in madness, David grew in understanding. He knew that God had placed him in the king's palace, and under true authority.

The authority of King Saul, true? Yes, God's chosen authority. Chosen for David. Unbroken authority, yes. But divine in ordination, nonetheless.

Yes, that is possible.

David drew in his breath, placed himself under his mad king, and moved farther down the path of his earthy hell.

- chapter 5, "A Tale of Three Kings" by Gene Edwards.

Food for thought....

foggy weather

According to my phone, the weather in PJ now is FOGGY.
Never seen such before.

*peers outside to see the fog* too dark me thinks.

I wonder if there's one for 'hazy'?

Camp paving a new era

Or at least I'm praying it would.























There's something very precious about Aspirers camps that I can't escape. It draws me and motivates me. Before every camp I feel stressed and weary and worried. But there is that one moment in camp that reminds me that it is all worth it. It's usually the same moment (one I thought I'd become numb to after so many years, but did not - thank God):

I remember that Larissa was leading the song "Forever reign" on the second night and challenging everyone to cling on to this God who never fails. And I lifted my hands to proclaim over and over again "my heart will sing, no other name (but) Jesus!" and I meant it with every breath. Then instinctively I turned around to look (I almost always stand near the front). And I saw.

I saw many hands lifted high and words of declaration that 'their heart would sing no other name'. I saw knees bent and heads bowed in adoration and desperation. I saw tears flowing on faces who have long lost that conviction. I saw those who did not know our God sobbing. I saw the young ones, with eyebrows creased in determination and hands raised in worship. I heard the hearts of the young declaring and clinging on to their God. Yes, their God. I heard prayers uttered from simple and trusting hearts. I felt the pain of many being poured out like water and there was healing. I saw heaven open and angels sing.

And I fell on my knees and cried to my God. Because this is what I prayed for, worked for, argued for, and boldly declared. My heart thanked Him for showing me some results, some fruits. I know that I know that God is working and it is solely God who can make that change. I'm only an instrument. But God oh God is so amazing! Every testimony I've heard since then was about how they themselves heard from God or how God had worked in them! It was all about how God is so amazing. And my heart praise Him! It didn't matter of no one remembered the games or all the other background planning - it MATTERED that they remembered their vows to God when God came down.

And on a personal note, this year I saw the older ones rise up. We've been (well i have) complaining, nagging, persuading, encouraging the college group to rise up and take the responsibility and all that. We've been (well again i have) lecturing the leaders to please please please ... well I'll leave the rest unsaid. And it had been a thorn in my flesh and many tears shed before the Lord, that I felt more alone than ever in ministry. But the turn of the year and of events, brought about positive change in everyone. And even though Derrick is leaving, now, I see what God has been doing. My fear dissolved when I saw that God was preparing their hearts and spirit. Derrick, leave in peace then. :)

This is the beginning of a new era... you wait and see...

p/s: pictures are on FB.

transitions

As the year ended, my life entered a major transition. I'm normally bad with transitions. They make my world feel insecure and unstable. You can't rock my world and expect me to continue smiling. But I figured, this time around, though it's probably more than I can bear, that I'd take it like the grown-up I think I am. I have to. I can't sulk in a corner anymore.

So I've decided to face it head on and accept whatever is coming. I believe that God has a plan for me and that it is good. I believe that God will hold me through it all and that He won't let me fall. I believe that this is good for me and that it is time for change. And so...

As of Jan 1st, 2011, my family moved into a new abode - after 22years in the old place, it was probably a good time for change. The move was challenging and I realised how much junk I had accumulated over the years. Time to strip down and focus on what I really wanted as well. I'm rather happy with my own room as the rest of my family is happy with their corner of the house. The only problem is that it is now further to get to church. pfft.

3 nights in the new house and i'm off to BCM. Yes, you heard tat right. I'm checking in as a full-time student for the next 2 years. So I'm back in college (wow to say that at this age is ... interesting. yes, i shall use the word 'interesting') But here I am, needing to get back into the rhythm of a student life and do it well this time. Personally, I want to come here to discipline my life in many areas - many areas in which I have been unable to do it myself or because of various constraints. So even though I'm required to wake up at 6am (madness) I'm gonna try it! Surprised at me? You know, I guess it simply is time :)

So here's to two big transitions in my life. May God bless my paths and heart. I pray that I will be able to carry this through faithfully and well. AMen!

a few things i must archive

I've not been blogging much in the last two months. And I feel guilty for not archiving some important events in my life. Go figure. So to ease my conscience and to ensure that certain things are not forgotten.... I shall briefly mention them.

p/s: this was of course not blogged at the time and date displayed. I was at that time elsewhere.

• GLS 2010 which was held in Metrotab on the 22-23rd Nov was a little too tiring for me this time
  
• VBA followed soon after on the 29-30th Nov but I wasn't involved
• Instead I was rushing my asgn and almost thought I couldn't make it. I surprised myself when I did.
• December brought a lot of events starting with the first ever Birds and Bees Workshop on the 4th of Dec which proved useful and needful.
  
• After a lot of shopping buzz with the post SPM-ers,
  
• There was aspirers christmas party where fourletterstory wowed the crowd on the 19th of Dec
• After that it was full out packing and moving with the family
• Christmas rolled along with another bout of shopping and presents
• Attending 3 weddings in the month (2 of which were family) allowed time for pampering and dressing up!
  
• Forgiving myself for neglecting a lot of stuff, it was back to the craze of packing
• Running away on the 29-30th dec for a short but absolutely refreshing leaders retreat with the youth did a lot of good for me and for the team.
  
• and as the year ended, so did a big chapter of my life....

Acne dilemma

Recently I entered my second teenage phase - skin wise - and it irks me. "I'm too old for this" wells up and "why Lord?". Is this called aging or jus consequences of modern medicine? Ugh! And I thought it was over... I was so glad it was over. For once in my life!

So I'm starting the cycle all over again - pills, dry skin, etc. What else can I do? Besides the fact that it is very very expensive, what worries me the most is that my future baby might be affected! I don't want to have to face that. Having kids is important to me and I don't want to jeopardize that. Perhaps I should go for second opinion.

When will this ever end? bleh

tired of walking alone

After prayer meeting today, I slipped away from the crowd without saying anything to anyone. I walked to my car and sat in it alone. The silence drowned in and the world slowed down. Yea like the movies. I sat for an awkward silence before willing myself to simply move, and get away as fast as possible. But I continued to smile, because it was necessary and because it was expected.

I'm tired of walking alone on the road and tired of the crowd. Tired of sitting in deafening silence. Tired of being left behind or taken for granted. Tired of being nice and tired of being mean. Tired of feeling and tired of numbness. Tired of the endless unbreakable cycle. Tired of pretending and hiding and protecting. Tired of being strong and tired of being too weak. Tired of feeling tired too.

Perhaps that's why I leave the TV on and constantly find something to do, finding a way to drown out that thought. Perhaps it's easier to keep moving, faithfully doing what I need to do. And not ponder. Not wonder. But I'm tired of that too.

It used to be a tension between the fear of going at it alone and the desire for independence. I use to try to find that freedom of independence, yet hide behind the fear of the unknown tomorrow and world out there. It was a tension that could never be solved - perhaps should not be solved. But now, i'm just tired of trying.

What can I say? What do you deduce? It's no secret.

... Then an old familiar song came to mind 'tho none go with me, still I will follow'.... and the tiredness starts to blur. Perhaps I'm simply afraid of walking alone?

Silence not always golden

My blog has been silent for a very long time. Actually one month isn't all that long but in my record of blogging... rather long I suppose.

The truth is I've been busy. You can't imagine how things pile up sometimes and you don't find time for yourself that much. Every change I get I simply plop myself in front of the one-eye monster and zone into another world. Escapism it's called. There's been so much activities and simply things that needed to be done, so I faithfully hurried along doing everything that needed to be done. That's the way it is, isn't it?

But more than that. My spirit has sunken to a new low, where feelings and passion are being desensitized. I'm not sure I care that much anymore. I'm not sure I want to that much anymore. And it's ironic consider where my life is heading - it seems that I should gear myself up for it and prepare myself (and my heart) to deal with the challenges ahead. Cos I Do know where God is bringing my life to. (I mean where He's leading it to) but i simply can't find in my heart and spirit to. I wanna repel everything at the moment and sulk. Mayb it's fear that is gripping and paralyzing. Mayb it's disappointment in unfulfilled hopes and dreams and prayers. Maybe time and again the failures scream in my face. Maybe I'm just drowning or suffocating where I am? Maybe it's jus the entire transition process that is most difficult. Maybe it's just me.

But God oh God, I can't seem to reach You. God my Lord, I can't seem to want to. When the journey starts to loose it's light, how can then I continue to lead? How can I guide? Like the blind leading the blind, we'd fumble our way till I find you. Why oh God. What's wrong with me? How do I continue to put one foot in front of the other?

Making a shift...

Making a shift to HTC - a whole new world of difference in doing things. Quietly brilliant. Seriously.

Just as I was exploring the possibilities and getting used to the idea of getting something. It was thrown in my lap. *plock* And I looked at God with my sepet eyes. "You always know, Lord." *smiles secretly*

It also pays to have family in the right line. Hmm...
And again, no, my parents are not adopting you so that you can get the same privileges. *sweats*

Now I need to get use to it so that it is actually useful to me, and make sure I don't drop it at all!

Shuga

I saw a news on a show called 'Shuga' that hit the streets of Africa for the young. It was a modern, hip and realistic show about young people and their lives, set in Nairobi. It's an effort by UNICEF and MTV to tackle important issues among young people, especially in Kenya. It brought up issues about safe sex, HIV, lifestyle and so on. Read more here.

It became an ambassador for HIV and Aids in Africa. HIV and Aids have been a leading problem in Africa for years with no hope. CNN reported that many young people identified and related with the characters in the show. Organizations took advantages of the message of the movies by promoting that young people get tested right outside the cinema that opens this show and the response have been tremendous. Surveys showed that 60% of Kenyan young people are into the show and are really looking at ways to change their own lifestyle to lead a better life. It was a young people telling young people thing, and it was really effective as a voice among the young.

I was impress at such a conscious and effective effort to make a difference in young people's life. I applaud the effort and look forward to a better world. Perhaps this is really the change that Africa needed. God is still working in this nation. And He will faithfully continue to work in this nation!

Shattered

I couldn't believe it. I looked at my car in shock. How could it possibly have happened?
I stood frozen with my backpack and didn't know what to say. My colleagues were discussing it in front of me - what was the next best course of action. To me, I still just couldn't believe it.

Amazing artistry across the evening sky

I was driving back, passing one of my favourite spots - its the heightest spot on the flyover where it feels like you're driving into the skies.

And then I saw this...

like the title says... it was like amazing artistry across the evening sky - only better. Like wow!

Picture does not do it justice.

Silent Retreat

So I just got back from a silent retreat, as is part of my course requirements. A 3D2N retreat at Fraser's Hill where we can't talk at all. Can't communicate in any way. It sounds like such a freaky thing to do in our age. How do you cut off everything and live in isolation for a period of time?

But it was rather relieving to just get away and not run after anything. To enjoy the beauty that God has created for us and to enjoy God through them. How cool is that? We should all get away now and then and just nourish our souls. I thank God for this opportunity. It really was a gift in this time and age when you can't catch a break sometimes.

Early this morning I was suppose to wake up at 6.00am for Morning Prayers. My alarm rang on time. And I rolled over to turn it off. Lying on my back I told my body to get up. I was all ready to get up and go.

Right about then, the whole silent world froze while time continued to tick by. Somehow I was completely unconscious of it nor have any form of memory about what happened. My theory is that professor X wasn't that far off and up to something in the mutant world.

Cos right then I turned to look once more at my clock. It was 6.25am. 25minutes had simply skipped by and I had no idea how. I don't remember falling asleep or waking up.

Later while napping after returning from morning prayers, it happened again. My alarm rang at 8.30am as planned. But a second look at the clock revealed that it was 8.55am instead.

Just a little unwell

It's been over two weeks now and I'm still coughing up green mucus. Eww..
I caught the flu in china and it's really lingering...

Don't remember ever being sick so long in my life. Ugh what's wrong with me? God I just wanna get well. And a little voice says "perhaps you should use your common sense and bother to medicate yourself then huh" Oh Pfft.