After prayer meeting today, I slipped away from the crowd without saying anything to anyone. I walked to my car and sat in it alone. The silence drowned in and the world slowed down. Yea like the movies. I sat for an awkward silence before willing myself to simply move, and get away as fast as possible. But I continued to smile, because it was necessary and because it was expected.
I'm tired of walking alone on the road and tired of the crowd. Tired of sitting in deafening silence. Tired of being left behind or taken for granted. Tired of being nice and tired of being mean. Tired of feeling and tired of numbness. Tired of the endless unbreakable cycle. Tired of pretending and hiding and protecting. Tired of being strong and tired of being too weak. Tired of feeling tired too.
Perhaps that's why I leave the TV on and constantly find something to do, finding a way to drown out that thought. Perhaps it's easier to keep moving, faithfully doing what I need to do. And not ponder. Not wonder. But I'm tired of that too.
It used to be a tension between the fear of going at it alone and the desire for independence. I use to try to find that freedom of independence, yet hide behind the fear of the unknown tomorrow and world out there. It was a tension that could never be solved - perhaps should not be solved. But now, i'm just tired of trying.
What can I say? What do you deduce? It's no secret.
... Then an old familiar song came to mind 'tho none go with me, still I will follow'.... and the tiredness starts to blur. Perhaps I'm simply afraid of walking alone?
5 comments:
annie i understand where this is coming from.
hang in there. God has the best for you.
I feel you. Love the post. =)
I just came across this while looking for a wallpaper... but strangely enough, this is EXACTLY how I feel right now.
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It's crazy how similar people's struggles are even when our lives are so different. I definitely struggle with the internal argument between fear of being alone and the need for independence. God will certainly provide for all of us.
(I know this is a really old post, but I came across it when I found the picture you used on Google. I'm going to use the same one for my blog post today! haha)
I hope everything has worked out better for you over the past few years. You're never alone, Anne. Never forget. (:
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